Durelle Price
Dedicated to building strong communities by strengthening families and youth, Durelle Price has served as an educator, motivator, and coalition/initiative leader mobilizing communities across the country and building their capacity to serve. Family Matters Seminars and Workshops founder and author of programs such as Intelligent Dating, Teen Esteem, Successful Survivors and Response Matters, Ms. Price hosted the Nashville public television educational series “Family Matters” featuring her award-winning dating violence prevention program DATE SAFE.
Durelle is partnering with Jennifer’s Story Foundation (JSF) to launch Operation Yellow Dress bringing The Yellow Dress, a one-woman dating violence prevention play to Texas schools. Currently strategic consultant to the Community Solutions Cooperative of Rockwall TX, Price is also formerly: president of ANTHEM (The Alliance of North Texas Healthy Effective Marriages) Family Safety Council; president of a Tennessee regional task force; and liaison to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Ms. Price has pioneered projects including: The Community Accountability Project; Kids in Crisis—Helping Hands; and PeaceFeast ’99.
Her professional journey advanced from Victim Advocate, Crisis Counselor, Executive Director to her role at FranklinCovey as a Strategic Consultant working with Dr. John Covey where she wrote and designed custom curricula including the highly acclaimed 8 Habits of a Successful Marriage program. She has traveled across the U.S. certifying facilitators to teach military, couples, families, and youth. Durelle was honored to serve as a consulting writer on best-selling author, Sean Covey’s book, The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make: A Guide for Teens, which features highlights from her Intelligent Dating program.
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The Death of the Dream
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20 Years Later--Speaking at the New Beginning Center Candlelight Vigil
Did you know that October was Relationship Violence Awareness Month? Probably not. Many other worthy causes have overshadowed this pandemic that thrives in the shadows.
Relationship violence destroys the lives of adults, teens and children. Recently, a teen told me she hadn’t realized she was in an abusive relationship until she read the story on page 185 of Sean Covey’s book, The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make.
In what seems like someone else’s story now, at 22, I was so beaten down physically and emotionally—I believed the lies of my batterer: that I was stupid, worthless, and pathetic. I sought to end my life, but failing in the attempt, I awakened in intensive care, angry and cursed the heavens and the hospital for sending me back to that house of horrors. I had given up on my only asset—me; on any chance that I might find some inkling of happiness or success. Then later at 24, looking down at my newborn daughter, I saw my purpose reflected in her big blue eyes. I had a mission— to be the best mother I could possibly be.
It would take five years to let go of the dangerous hope for change and the lies I’d told myself that kept me chained to a relationship filled with broken egg shells, broken spirits, and broken dreams. I had to grieve the loss as one would a death. I used to think it was the death of that cowardly, witless little girl, but now I know it was the death of the dream I grieved—the dream of having the perfect family—mommy, daddy, baby; living in harmony.
The scenario can be had. It was the actors’ inability to fulfill the roles that brought the show to a close. I had to relinquish my role—grieve the loss of the notion that the only way I could succeed was to stay and tough it out; be the perfect mommy, the good wife and help him change; lie motionless in the uncomfortable, seemingly flame-retardant bed I had, indeed, made. But at 30 years of age, I metaphorically burned that bed and over the years have tried to outrun the smoldering memories that linger in my subconscious. Some nights I still scream out and leap for the door. I still look in the rearview mirror fearful that I will see his angry face behind the wheel of the car behind me. I still set the security alarm each time I enter my home and check all the doors and windows before going to sleep.
Yet, I face the mirror each morning thrilled to see the fresh face of a neo 19 year old free of bruises and remind myself of who I am today—of the hurdles over which I have bounded and helped others to clear; of the accomplishments I can call my own: of the amazing husband who has stood by my side now for 17 years supporting any and all of my personal and professional efforts; and of the blossoming young woman whom I am blessed to call my daughter. For I know now that the courage and triumph was never in the staying, it was in the leaving.
If you are suffering in an abusive relationship—there is hope. Get help and get out. Call your nearest shelter and break the chains. Leave the habits behind that kept you trapped. Learn and live The 7 Habits of Successful Families. Living them has helped me, and I know it can help you too.
Teacher, Teacher Can’t You See?
Exemplary teachers are the personification of The 8th Habit—they find their voices while helping their students find theirs. Henry Adams said “A teacher affects eternity. He (she) can never tell where his (her) influence stops.” These educators merit recognition for transcending the norm. As I write, Education is morphing; placing increased barriers between teaching and learning. The word “education” comes from the Latin word “educare” which translates: “…to draw forth from within.” That is truly the challenge for today’s educators who are faced each day with, among other challenges, state regulated testing, which often forces them into a vicious cycle of repetition and regurgitation: a situation wherein neither the teacher or the student is sincerely engaged.
Yet, award-winning teachers awake each day excited about their opportunity to change lives. Anthony J. Mullen, National Teacher of the Year 2009, advises “passion… ignites a flame too bright to be ignored by students. …Students can feel the energy, enthusiasm, and creativity radiating from a teacher and realize that what is being taught is important and worthwhile.” Passion—the fire within as Stephen Covey puts it—cannot coexist with apathy. Extraordinary tea
chers care about their students and the futures of those they serve. They are unselfish advocates who, like Mullen according to his peers, approach their work with extraordinary effort, a commitment to serving youth, professionalism, high expectations, humor, a flexible cooperative attitude, and a smile on their faces.
Photo courtesy of ..OMG is that really me?
When I was a teen, I had two teachers, Mrs. McDowell and Mrs. Evers, whom I remember very fondly. I loved to make them laugh. Mrs. Dowell’s laugh was contagious. She was kind, attentive, and generous with encouragement. She had a never-ending well of patience and tolerance for those of us who were less than mainstream students. Mrs. Evers was a fun and engaging young teacher, not much older than our big-hair-wearing, disco dancing, motley crew. She took her job very seriously, but with a measure of humor and forgiveness. When the coffee in the teachers’ lounge was spiked with liqueur and the principal’s announcements more slurred than usual, Mrs. Evers looked no further than me for the culprit. After the proper reprimand in front of her peers, she leaned down to my ear and whispered, “That was quite a hoot, young lady! Dangerous, definitely inappropriate, but dang funny!”
I have the profound privilege of certifying such dedicated teachers in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens curriculum. Increasingly impressed with the quality of the educators I certify, I find them to be student-centered professionals who view teaching more as a calling than a career. Those who are called to teach recognize the breadth of influence their role grants and are continually seeking to improve their knowledge base and to model behaviors which are worthy of emulation. For this reason, over 4500 schools nationwide and beyond (click here to watch a video) have turned to The 7 Habits training as their choice for principle-centered, productivity and leadership enhancement.
Having a small role in developing educators of Mrs. Dowell and Mrs. Evers’ caliber is quite an honor and a personal accomplishment for me of which I know they would both be proud. Despite my mischievous pranks, between their influence and The 7 Habits training, I guess I turned out okay (smile…snicker).
For the Puppies!
A marathon is 26.2 miles—52,400 steps. In 2008, 20,000 people participated in the Boston Marathon. Most trained for months, some for years. Many are accomplished athletes—faithful runners who awake even in sub-zero temperatures for their morning run when the remainder of the populace turn over and crank their electric blanket control up a notch. Being that I am comfortably caudled in the latter, it may come as a shock that I did, indeed, join the less than 1% of the entire world who have participated in a marathon.
In 2000, as the Arthritis Foundation Executive Director for Middle Tennessee, I led the Joints in Motion team to the Dublin Marathon—never expecting to participate. Suffering from FMS, if I managed to walk the length of the mall during holiday season I was elated. But thanks to a fantastic doctor, six weeks later my energy level increased dramatically as my pain level decreased. I found myself walking farther and farther. Two weeks before our departure date, I decided to enter the marathon. The day before our flight to Ireland, I trekked 14 miles. I was significantly behind the others in training, but thought “why not?” Ironically, Sonia O’Sullivan, Olympic Silver Medalist, had the same thought the night before the race and made headlines around the world when she surprised only herself and won.
I knew the only headline I might make was back home in Tennessee: “Local woman drops dead in Dublin.” You see, I am what my friends dubbed: “athletically retarded.” But, I had a wildly important goal, a coach and a strategy. I tracked my lag measures closely and had specific lead measures: how many miles/days to walk; how much water to consume; attend meetings; etc. I listened intently to our experienced coach. He taught us to: sip water; pace ourselves; and use mental mantras to distract from aches and pains. The first week I chanted ”don’t pass out, don’t pass out.”
Although my official time reads more like a cross country road trip, it was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life: the carb-cramming buffet the night before (now there’s a sport I could win a gold medal in); heart-pounding excitement as 8900 participants lined the streets; rainy, bone-chilling temperatures; laughs; tears; and finally crossing an invisible finish line. The crowd was long gone along with the finish line tape and flags— removed hours before without concern for the unprofessionals, the athletically challenged stragglers who followed a trail of empty water bottles to find the finish line.
Along the way, I chummed up with a cheery Englishman who in honor of Halloween was sporting an exceedingly large, green Leprechaun’s hat. When asked which organization he was supporting, in a melodious baritone British accent, he exclaimed, “It’s for the puppies!” He’d entered on behalf of the RSPCA.
One advantage of having little concern for your race time is that you can stop to go to the restroom at will. So, we popped into a pub where pint wagging patrons cheered us through to the water closet. When I came out, my jolly friend was chugging his own pint and reading the newspaper. To my puzzled face, he said, “So much for the puppies!” After saying farewell and Godspeed, we parted ways.
Joints in Motion Team TN Carb-cramming Oct. 29, 2000, Dublin
Thinking When-Win?
Enjoying the spectacular Chris' Whale-Watching Tour in Monterey. Closest thing to an island caretaking gig I'll snag.
Practicing Habit 4: Think Win-Win of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People promotes mutual benefit. But, have you ever found yourself thinking ‘when-win’ instead? The ‘when-win thinker’ constantly asks: “When is it going to be my turn? When will I get to ‘win’ in this relationship? When do I score the ‘big one’ at work, or in the stock market? When will my ship come in?” Finding himself in a perpetual state of lack and ingratitude, this person is actually thinking ‘lose-win’—positioning himself or herself as the victim—reveling in a funk of entitlement.
‘When-win thinking’ steals your joy, locks it away and gives the key to fear. Fear then steps in and convinces you you’re not worthy of joy anyway. So, why do so many people find themselves thinking ‘when-win’? Conceivably, it is a learned behavior—one that has sometimes been passed down generation to generation. The inbreeding of kissing cousins ‘when-win’ and fear—an unholy union—has produced noxious offspring-bullying, ‘win-lose’ thinkers. Prisons are brimming with these takers who pillage and plunder, robbing society of the domestic tranquility framed in the constitution by our courageous forefathers.
However, in this fear-driven economy, ‘when-win thinking’ can latch on to the best and stressed of us. So, how do you shake it? First, recognize you have cascaded down the slippery slope into scarcity mentality-fearful that your piece of the pie has already been eaten by someone else. The task ahead is to shift back to the paradigm of abundance.
I’m partial to the definition of “abundance” found in the Encarta World English Dictionary online:
- Large amount: a more than plentiful quantity of something
- Affluence: a lifestyle with more than adequate material provisions
- Fullness: a fullness of spirit that overflows
Building on the last characterization, to regain the paradigm of abundance you must reclaim your joy! Rather than focusing on what you don’t have, let your spirit overflow! Remind yourself daily of all the things you DO have such as: love of family, health, skills, and opportunities. What? Do you think I can’t see through this monitor the rolling of your eyes and the smirk that appeared on your face when you read the word “opportunities?” Dale Carnegie and his contemporaries frequently told stories such as that of a wealthy man who’d lost all his riches in the crash of ‘29. Yet, rather than hurl himself out a window, or retreat into self-pity, he charged the day; put on his one and only suit; donned a fresh carnation in the lapel; and picked up a copy of The Wall Street Journal. A cheerful greeting was his gift to all passers by, and when stopped by an associate who queried his state, he exclaimed, “Why it’s your lucky day because I am looking for a new opportunity!” Because he refused to succumb to the loser’s mental rhetoric of ‘when-win thinking’, it wasn’t long before this leader found the opportunity that rebuilt his monetary riches ten-fold.
So, if you’ve found yourself craning over the fence to survey the quality of your neighbor’s grass, rubber-necking a new Maserati, or wishing you got that island caretaking job in Australia (Okay, I admit it! I reeeeeeally wanted that one!), you need to know that the lonely guy driving the Maserati would give anything to have a loving spouse and two sweet kids just like yours.
The “Perfect” Whirlwind
Every day the perfect lea
der spends the last few minutes of the day planning the next. Each hour broken down into perfectly detailed steps toward a series of well-defined goals. In a perfect world, you wake up with the energy and resources to ascend those steps and embrace your goal. However, much to your disappointment the world is not perfect and neither are you.
If you wear various hats as I (and most of us) do, you often find yourself defined by the roles associated with those hats and validated by the execution of your goals. I have strived to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect friend, the perfect consultant, the perfect student, the perfect… Until I have found myself in the “perfect” whirlwind. At times, I couldn’t see for all the projects and commitments whirling around me. It appeared I’d forgotten how to say “no.” For some reason in my life, I equated saying “no” with failure, or at a minimum inadequacy.
Perhaps the same is true for you in business. You strive for perfection, say “yes” to every goal, and find yourself caught in a roaring whirlwind-unable to progress-feeling as if you are failing. To fight the whirlwind, you must be proactive rather than perfect, and you need discipline. In fact, what you need is four disciplines-The 4 Disciplines of Execution.
In my role as a community mobilizer, the goals are substantial and impact many people and organizations. Facilitating the 4 Disciplines process, the first thing we do is identify 2 or 3 Wildly Important Goals (WIG’s). These WIG’s drive everything we do. To reach those sometimes lofty goals such as lowering gun violence, or minimizing family violence, the laser focus and dedicated cooperation of many people and organizations is vital.
Identifying commonalities in agency missions and aligning representatives from those agencies on one collective goal is quite a task. However, when the 4 Disciplines are applied, it is accomplished and the results can be astounding. Take the city of Aurora, IL for example. They partnered with FranklinCovey and identified their number one WIG as lowering gun violence by 20%. Every member of each city department focused all their energies on that WIG and voila! Eight months later, not only did they lower gun violence by 21%, but gun-related homicides were reduced by 75%! They indeed conquered the whirlwind.
Another community partnered with FranklinCovey to strengthen families and improve the welfare and future of their children. We customized curriculum for The Jacksonville Network for Strengthening Families which became The 7 Habits of Successful Families in Jacksonville, and the network deployed it throughout Jacksonville, FL. Having successfully served their goal of over 3000 families now, their methodology and results has become the model for similar initiatives across the country.
Avoiding the whirlwinds takes effort, but is easier when you employ this system of disciplines. I was privileged to be there at the beginning of both of these city initiatives and can attest to the courage and determination that Aurora’s Mayor Tom Weisner, and Jacksonville’s Pete Jackson and Robyn Cenizal demonstrate daily as they lead these legacy-building projects.
More Than Free Stuff
Daily, one of the top internet searched items is “free stuff”. People look for free products, free music downloads, free coupons, and free information. Focusing on the latter, consider the following.
The top 5 searches on one search engine today were: 1. American Idol; 2. Jillian Harris; 3. Mariska Hargitay; 4. Chris Brown/Rhianna; and 5. IRS.
American Idol last week had 21.2 million viewers (Nielsen estimates). Jillian Harris, former “dump-ee”, is now getting a chance at being “dump-er.” Mariska Hargitay is having series health issues. Chris Brown and Rhianna are bringing relationship violence to the media forefront. And for those of you who aren’t using your planners, April 15th is just around the corner.
So what in the world do all those topics have in common? One might answer the common thread, with the exception tax prep needs, is the desire to avoid one’s own issues while becoming engulfed in others’ problems. However, that is only one perspective. What if…just what if…the underpinnings of these searches suggest personal concerns and your desire to live life as intended? Ponder this…
Search Number 1: Dreams and Aspirations (Spiritual Dimension)–Perhaps this search represents your deep desire to, against all odds, go after your dreams-to develop and showcase your talents and skills and find purpose in life. Are you interested in fulfilling a mission—leaving a legacy?
Searches 2 and 4: Relationships (Emotional/Social Dimension)–Maybe this search represents your recognition that it is all about relationships-that building healthy interpersonal relationships does make a difference in your long-term health and happiness. (Comment on this blog entry and request a copy of the government report “Why Marriage Matters.”) If you don’t have healthy personal relationships, how are you supposed to build strong, fruitful professional relationships?
Search 3: Health (Physical Dimension)–Stress is the number one killer. Conceivably, you may be concerned about your health and the health of your loved ones. Are you looking for a way to find balance between your personal and professional lives?
Search 5: Education and Accountability (Intellectual Dimension)–With economic and job market volatility, you may be looking for ways to meet your responsibilities. Are you concerned about your future and that of your family-asking yourself what you need to do, or how you need to grow, to assure professional sustainability and financial freedom?
Learning to practice Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw will help you search yourself and identify pressing needs in each of these human dimensions. Plan one activity each week that allows you to use your brain to learn. Plan another that will engage your heart with another’s to find your purpose. Sign up for a training to learn something new-stimulate your brain with possibilities and opportunities. Download a free sample planner (free stuff!!) and practice scheduling time for physical activity—if only a walk around your building at lunch—to develop the habit of regular exercise.
In fact, that’s all from me right now, I’m heading for the park with Little Man Tate, the world’s laziest Yorkie. We can both use a trot and some fresh air. Meet me back here next week and share how you’ve sharpened your saw.
Unlearning 101
Albert Einstein, icon of intellect and insight, said “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” Universities are focused on higher learning when perhaps they should promote a course entitled Unlearning 101. Course objectives would include: remove cultural filters; abandon destructive behaviors; and stimulate individual creativity and ingenuity. Unlearning 101 would be a prerequisite for any degree plan. Pursuing a course of higher learning without having properly unlearned is akin to rolling naked in a mud puddle before dressing in a tuxedo. No matter how great the suit looks, you still need a bath.
Coming up on a half a century of life, I realize I’ve spent as much of my life unlearning as I have learning. I was 21 before I finally unlearned the ridiculous view that as long as I still had checks-I had money in the bank. I have unlearned, and am constantly unlearning, trans-generational prejudices. I have unlearned the inherited notion that I have little worth. I have unlearned the deceptive idea that I must always be “right.”
Stephen R. Covey noted, “Accountability breeds response-ability.” You are better equipped to respond when you have effectively evaluated the paradigms that shape your decisions. Even the most obstinate of us will unlearn destructive behaviors when the pain of being stagnant and rejected outweighs the comfort of the old paradigm. Here you become open to accountability, the concept of mutual benefit, synergy, and fulfilling a higher purpose. Dr. Covey proposed, “The way we see the problem is the problem.” › Continue reading
Recess vs. Recession
Headlines read: “Economists Fear the Worst” and “American Families in Crisis.” Ted Price, restaurateur and FranklinCovey client facilitator summarizes, “The state of crisis is the state of fear.” Fear causes you to mistake opportunity for oppression, wisdom for whimsy, and recess for recession.
The U.S. Labor Department announced, 598,000 people lost their jobs in January, and the unemployment rate rose from 7.2 to 7.6 percent-an all time high in 16 years. It’s easy in times like this to feel oppressed and fearful. Wild-woman activist, Flo Kennedy, whose flamboyant and unorthodox approach gained notoriety, once said, “There can be no really pervasive system of oppression…without the consent of the oppressed.” Known for her outrageous stunts and out-of-the-cage thinking, Kennedy recognized oppression as opportunity, and most likely agreed with fellow activist and Pulitzer Prize winner Ariel Durant who penned, “A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself from within.” No whimsy there, only wisdom. Both of these women knew how to Be Proactive-centered in their Circle of Control.
Awarded the 1977 Presidential Medal of Freedom, Ariel found her freedom from fear in her relationship with husband, Will Durant, to whom she referred as her “teacher, lover, mentor, and friend.” Opportunity or oppression can be found in marriage. The Durants were able to find the former, and overcome the latter, because they were grounded in the same principles found in The 8 Habits of a Successful Marriage workshop. Their award-winning Declaration of Interdependence is as applicable to harmonious marriage as it is to world peace. › Continue reading